Congrats, you have friends who are Jewish
There's menorahs in all your decor
Your trim is now red, green, and…blue-ish
But do you know what this holiday's for?

We've seen children LARP the Nativity
And cosplay the first pilgrim's feast
And it's nice to combine our festivities
But damn, do your homework at least

So let us bend your ear
to the last six thousand years

So your latte tastes like a candle
So your turkey's overdone
Dudes tried to kill our ancestors
So let's eat because we won!

See, Hanukkah ain't Jewish Christmas
They're not equal, so don't even try
We brushed with doom, and it missed us
But Jesus is your central - guy?

We see why you'd want to compare them
They're around the same time of the year
You have feels, and you're yearning to share them
And we know your intent is sincere

It's just one more win for the Jews
So we eat and drink and - booze

Got too many presents to send?
Christmas shopping not as fun?
People wanted us to be extinct
So let's party, guys, we won!

You know it's the one in December
(eh, sometimes)
Your cognizance has been made clear
And it's nice of you all to remember
But what of the rest of the year

There's Purim, Passover, Shavuot,
Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur,
With Hanukkah, don't overdo it
It's not us you're trying to assure

You know Christmas can be intrusive
You put menorah on display
If you need that so you feel inclusive
Well, don't let us get in your way

We know you don't wanna be dicks
But that's not for us to fix

So your team lost at sportsball
Favorite show is in reruns
They've been after us for centuries
So let's eat, because we won

Punched a stranger on Black Friday
Did he snag your Xbox One
We've survived 6000 years of crap
So let's eat, because we won!