Christmas is a holiday
about charity and peace
and bringing families together
for a rich and homemade feast

But Christmas, it has some issues
We wish we could do without
Are two months of "Jingle Bell Rock"
Really what Christmas is all about?

But right here, I've got the answer
And I'll give it to you for free
It's secular, and less commercial
And I know that you'll agree

It's like Christmas, but less dirty
Without shopping, snow, or chimes
It's called Thanksgiving, you idiots!
It's been here this whole time!

Now I know what you're saying
Can it really be that simple?
Blah blah blah, baby Jesus
Well, shut up — Let me splain

Thanksgiving is much better
It's a very special day
Because it feels a lot like Christmas
And I get presents anyway

There's no dead tree in your foyer
No riots at Best Buy
We just play our ukuleles
And the cake is not a lie

It's my favorite holiday
It's "let's give stuff to Molly" day
It's the day I fell from my mom's womb

There's not a snowflake in the sky
The lattes taste like pumpkin pie
and you are very welcome! Come back soon

Jesus's birthday’s a month away
But mine’s happening right now
Thanksgiving is greater than Christmas anyhow