Do you know what Santa wants the most from all you girls and boys?
You know it's so exhausting passing out your goddamn toys
But by Labor Day each year, you start blowing up my phone
I wish you lousy ingrates would leave poor St. Nick alone

I just want to have Thanksgiving with my wife and all my elves
But then there's all you mortals only thinking of yourselves
I give 2 billion toys away, it's not a simple task
A month's vacation isn't much to ask

While I'm on the subject, here's a complaint I've never made
But why am I the closer at the Thanksgiving Parade?
There's "Thanksgiving" in the name, and it's on Thanksgiving Day
Just lay your tinsel on the ground and slowly back away

I've been in it 90 years, and I have not made one complaint
But I am sick and tired of staring Spongebob in the taint
I am Father Christmas, and that is what comes first
And New York in November is the worst.

(spoken:)
And while I'm at it, would it kill you to leave some fruit, or some crudites? It's a lot of milk and cookies. I mean, Santa can fit down any chimney, but that doesn't mean he can't get blocked up, capiche? Thanks.

I'll keep spoiling all your kids but can we please make a deal
It hurts my feelings when you tell your kids that I'm not real
Then the credit goes to you and the wonder goes away
Why do you think I DO this job? It isn't for the pay (oh no)

I see you when you're sleeping, and I know when you're awake
So if you cross me, brother, you have made a big mistake
I don't think it would do you little weasels any harm
If just for once you let old Santa sleep through his alarm
"We love you so much, Santy Claus, without you we are stuck,"
But frankly, I don't give a tinker's fuck